Do you ever have a word or phrase in your head, and it seems like it pops up everywhere? You hear it, you see it, you find yourself saying it? One of the words that I have been quite aware of lately is the word crazy. I use it to explain a frustrating experience, or an insanely fun day, or maybe a person I don’t like very much. I began thinking about what the word crazy really means and this is what I found.
1. mentally deranged; demented; insane, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way.
2. senseless; impractical; totally unsound.
3. unusual; bizarre
After reading this definition I realized I overuse the word crazy way too much… especially in the context of describing a person. I’ve seen this trend in dating relationships, but unfortunately it is used as more than just a descriptor. Crazy is used as a form of manipulation.
Early last year I was talking to my friend about a past relationship that I had been in. I was telling her how things that were said and done affected me even still today. I told her of all the times he wouldn’t let me touch his phone, or he asked to keep our relationship a secret. I told her of how many lies I knew he was telling, I just lacked the proof. I told her how he would be the picture of affection one day, and cold as ice the next. I would of course be confused and upset. Me, being a person who does not mind confrontation in the least, would ask him about the strange behaviors. I would tell him that I was hurt, and I would be vulnerable as I wiped tears from my cheeks. Every time I would get the same answer.
“Kaitlin, you are just being dramatic.
“Kaitlin, why are you being so emotional?!”
“Stop taking everything so personal.”
“Why are you being so sensitive?”
“You’re acting crazy.”
The more he said it, the more I believed it. Maybe I was being completely irrational. Maybe I should tell my gut instincts to shut up. I should just trust him, right?” After describing this to my friend, she told me about a term I had never heard of before; gas-lighting.
In the 1940s there was a movie created called Gaslight. The premise of the movie was about a man that tried to convince his wife that she was going insane, in order to steal jewels without her realizing. One of the ways he convinced her she was unstable was that he would cause the gaslights in the house to flicker. When she commented on the flickering lights, he told her that the light was steady, and she was seeing things. Eventually the woman went insane, making his goal of stealing from her, much easier.
I had let someone convince me that my emotions, and my questioning were unreasonable. My tears were dismissed as being “such a girl”. My frustration was chalked up to drama. My arguments were automatically invalid. What is worse was I caved, and I began to believe the lie that I was truly being crazy. Not only did I buy what he was selling, but I let that voice follow me around for many years, and still even still today. What makes the whole thing even worse is that society has made it a comical stereotype.
How often do you hear people describe a woman as crazy? Now I know it sounds like I’m about to start a feminist rally, and that really can’t be further from the truth. There are many stereotypes that men have that are unfair, but crazy is usually not a word that we use to describe them. Insensitive, rude, perverted, disgusting, immature maybe… but men are made out to be level-headed, clear from any emotional decisions. Take it from me, I am apart of the sterotypers!
“Oh my gosh, his ex-girlfriend is so crazy!”
“I’m sorry, I am probably just being too sensitive.”
“My gosh, why is she being so dramatic!”
“I know I sound pretty crazy right now… but…”
These are common phrases that come out of my mouth on a daily basis. What I am confused about is why we feel the need to apologize for the way God created us? Now not all women are emotionally driven, but overall there is a sensitivity in a woman that is unmatched. The Bible calls all of us to be meek, gentle and humble. These are not weaknesses, but taken directly from the image of God himself. We all know that God is anything but timid and dainty. His character is multifaceted in so many ways, it is truly incredible. The beautiful thing is that God has created humans with characteristics that He Himself portrays in perfection. Though, since we as humans are imperfect, these traits can become misconstrued.
I know firsthand that girls, myself included, can be dramatic, and at times a little crazy. We often jump to conclusions, and over analyze till we are blue in the face. My point is that this year I decided to stop apologizing for who God made me to be. I am a sensitive soul, and I hated it about myself. My sensitivity caused me to cry in inopportune times, and take things very personally that were never meant to be personal. I wanted to not care. I wanted to not feel the sting of rejection so easily. I wanted to be considered strong. This year I have began to see that there is a difference between being overly-sensitive, and being sensitive to what is going on around you.
Because I am sensitive, I am very compassionate. I see hurt in others, and I can identify. I recognize pain in peoples’ eyes, when it often goes unnoticed by others. I am hyper-aware of the things going on around me, and when I hurt I feel it. Having a sensitive spirit has allowed me to understand the grace and comfort of Christ much more richly. Having a sensitive spirit has allowed me to have deep relationships with people around me. Now I would be lying if I said my caring heart has not gotten me into trouble before, but I have learned to embrace that God has made me this way and there is nothing anyone could say to make me want to change.
As I was writing this a girl next to me was on the phone. She told the caller on the other line that “If you don’t have a crazy friend, chances are you are that friend…” I know it is easy to judge people’s actions as unreasonable and ludicrous, but most the time we have little understanding of that individual’s background. Each person is made unique, and their personality traits should never be used as manipulation over them. I think of the song Hosana when Brook Fraser sings “Break my heart for what breaks Yours.” God cannot stand injustice, because He is perfectly just. It is an incredible thing to allow your heart to break for the same things that tear God’s heart apart. The important thing is to not rely on man to help pick up the pieces, but allow the Creator who knows you better than anyone, to be the ultimate source of comfort.
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